Perhaps, by now, you have heard of a rather interesting phenomenon in dating and relationships called "The Five Love Languages," which came from psychologist Gary Chapman's observations of the many couples he's counseled over the years.
Now, you may be aware that Chapman's a Christian. A rather staunch, Bible-believing Christian, to be truthful, and it's not likely he'd take me, or anyone like me as a client. I would have difficulty revealing my Paganish, divination-and-crystal-oriented, Starseed-Indigo ways to begin with. I can talk a good talk about Jesus as healer, but let's face it: I resonate a LOT more with Brighid, Lugh, Danu, Ganesh and any other member of the non-Judeo-Christian realms of philosophy and ceremony. Heck, I'm more likely to refer to God as "Wakan Tanka" or Great Spirit.
But all that aside, Chapman's discovery and documentation of these five love languages has transformed tons of relationships already. So, if you're something of a Pagan like I am, but you're still faced with the irritating fact that your partner or spouse doesn't quite understand how you need physical touch, words of affirmation or any of the three other languages in order to feel loved and appreciated, push aside the fact that Chapman's a Christian and look at the Love Languages for what they are: five fabulous ways that you can fill, as Chapman calls it, your partner's "love tank."
Actually, this concept is not too far away from Steven Covey's concept of "making emotional deposits in someone else's emotional bank account." Just different words.
So, what *are* the Five Love Languages?
1) Physical Touch (this is my primary Language, BTW): This includes everything from those first gentle touches at the beginning of a romance to the big explosive bedroom fireworks (or anywhere else you can get some privacy!).
Ways to Ruin this Love Language: Physical abuse of any kind, obvs. Thankfully, I have never experienced this, but to those of you who have, find a way to get yourself OUT, NOW!
2) Words of Affirmation. (My secondary Language). This includes encouraging words, saying/hearing "I Love You" and "I appreciate you doing that for me," and "You mean so much to me and my life"--stuff like that. Even if you only said this stuff to me once or twice a day, that's a damn sight better than belittling me.
Ways to Ruin this Love Language: Belittling and other abusive words that demean and discourage. On the flip side, too many words of affirmation can also be demeaning, making it sound like the person you're talking to is mentally challenged and has to be talked to like they're a little kid.
3) Quality Time. (My other secondary Language). Quality time is time spent with your significant other, either in deep conversation, or whatever it is that keeps the pair of you connected. Combine this with Physical Touch, and I'm all over it! ;-)
Ways to Ruin this Love Language: Loss of quality time has become something of a big issue thanks to handheld devices with access to the internet. No matter how much time you spend with someone, if you've got your nose and fingers on your tablet or smart-phone, there's no real engaging with the other person emotionally. Unless you're playing video games or renting movies, or even coding computer programs together, I personally recommend that dates should optimally be as tech-free as possible--vibrating sex toys notwithstanding. ;-)
4) Acts of Service (My third-biggest Language). Usually "acts of service" in this sense, refer to doing things like chores, errands, etc.
Ways to Ruin this Love Language: When your loved one uses this love language to suck up to you or thinks he has to appease you with certain things, you need to seriously think about helping him get some help, if you want to stick with him long-term. Because he's clearly been indoctrinated into the religion of "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy unless they do something to try and please her," and he is clearly projecting his mother onto you. Which means there's a high likelihood that your loved one's mother was a complete narcissist. Unless he gets help, he will absolutely have trouble seeing you as his girlfriend or wife, an individual with tastes and a personality (hopefully) far different from his mother. I know this because my dad's like this.
Another way to ruin this love language of doing things for others, is being distracted to the point that you completely forget that you told them you were going to do that thing you promised you'd do.
A third way to ruin this language is not taking care of yourself enough during most of your life and not doing things for yourself enough during most of your life, to the point where people DON'T want to do things for you, because they get the feeling that you want them to be your personal servant, which takes away from what THEY want to do in life. You therefore end up coming across as a lazy-arse child who takes advantage of other people's good nature.
To the people who feel like acts of service make you feel loved: Okay, I get it, this is your primary language. But don't use this to emotionally hold your loved ones hostage in any way if they don't do precisely what you want them to do when you want them to do it. They are not robots. They are human beings with lives, just like you, and they deserve every inch of personal autonomy possible. They deserve the right to say "yes" or "no," and they deserve not to be hollered at or whined at or manipulated if the answer is "no." If you are in a romantic relationship and you know you do this, and you don't cease such a selfish attitude, you are going to find yourself without a lover in very, very short order, if the other person knows what's good for them.
5) Gift-Giving (My smallest Language). This language is about liking to receive gifts, and people feeling like they're loved when they receive those little "just-because" things throughout the relationship. It's also about wanting to be the giver.
Ways to Ruin this Love Language: Like the Acts of Service item, when your loved one uses this to try and suck up to you if they've messed up, and they believe you'll react just like whoever else did that made them feel like crap for messing up, do try and help them to get help, because it's likely another symptom of being around a narcissistic, self-absorbed, selfish parent who never had their bullshit behavior nipped in the bud.
The other way to ruin this love language is if you are the giver and you expect something in return for whatever you give. Now, I know a lot of you out there aren't like this, but I've been burnt by people (mostly my narcissistic relative) who are like this. They wouldn't know unconditional gift-giving, even at Christmas. So, you could say my desire to receive gifts is far less pronounced. Unless it's from people I know who don't do "strings attached" stuff, or it's something big and meaningful to the relationship, especially if the relationship is of a romantic nature, or if it's the holidays, or my birthday, I admit--I kinda cringe at just being given things.
I know I wrote a ton, especially on the last two, but again, I confess, I've been burnt by the ruinous behaviors I wrote about. So my trust levels on the Acts of Service and Gift-Giving Love Language are a bit low, and it's going to take some solid-as-steel proof that the person in front of me doesn't have a twisted view of the last two languages. Because ego is what ruins the goodness of the five languages to begin with.
Until Later,
Kat
